Undated May (?) 1960

(Letter to Mother from Satprem)

Pondicherry

Mother,

You sent me this flower, 'Vital Collaboration.' I am taking this opportunity to tell you something which has been weighing on my heart for years and which, naturally, comes back up whenever things go badly.

I have been here seven years and I can't count a single concrete experience, not a single vision (the only things that have ever happened were in Ceylon or Rameswaram). I haven't even managed to have a few slightly conscious nights.

Isn't this reason enough to be discouraged? In any case, these questions are stirring in me - and the vital is not happy [nor the mental, nor the physical].

Excuse me if I speak too frankly.

Signed: Satprem

June 3, 1960

(Letter to Mother from Satprem)

Pondicherry, June 3, 1960

Sweet Mother,

I'm a bit discouraged. Every night I slip into a black abyss from which I wake up in the morning drained. Not one second of conscious sleep. It takes me an hour to recuperate from my 'sleep'. In fact, I am constantly 'on edge' and the least thing exhausts my body.

But that's nothing. I would bear all the exhaustion quite willingly if there were at least a touch of something conscious. But nothing, as if I were as thick as a Paris concierge!

Mother, there is hardly an instant of my conscious life that I am not aspiring for 'more consciousness' - but there's still this abyss I slip into at night, as if nothing existed!

Pardon my "rumblings. If only at least I knew what I could do to change all this.

Your child,

Signed: Satprem

(Mother's reply)

Sunday afternoon

My dear child,

The best rest is to enter into the inner silence for a few moments.

Blessings.

Signed: Mother

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